The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
