The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
