Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
