Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
