Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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