My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
