bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
it's like heaven, but drunker
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
