you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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