just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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