I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
