Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
