i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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