So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
