The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
