I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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