Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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