Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In America we eat man semen.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
