Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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