I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
