Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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