yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
