So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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