I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
