If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
