Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
