Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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