So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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