Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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