They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sorry about my life...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
