i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
