White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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