I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
