Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
