He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
