the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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