My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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