i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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