Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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