When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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