My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
