So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
