I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Found your dick twin last night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
