Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
