So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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