I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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