i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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