shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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