Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
