I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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