I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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