at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
