the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
