My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
