no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
