My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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