How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
