if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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